Lee Jordan, War Reporter
by chudleycannonsnumber1
Summary: Potterwatch host Lee 'River' Jordan undergoes a series of radio interviews of the warriors of the Battle of Hogwarts.
1. George

"Good evening. Hello, and welcome to the Potterwatch Revival special. I am your host, Lee Jordan, though some listeners may remember from our wartime broadcasts that I availed myself the use of the alias 'River.' This program is being brought to your home from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes at Ninety-Three, Diagon Alley, and is funded by the Weasley Interest Ventures group in a joint effort with the Ministry of Magic and all associated parties.

"Tonight, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes will play host to the first in a series of definitive interviews of our allies and heroes in the Wizarding War. I'll spare you any further adieu and introduce you to this evening's guest, proprietor of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, president of Weasley & Weasley, and founder of the Weasley Interest Ventures group, George Weasley!"

"You've forgotten that I'm son of Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley, and that my surname is Weasley, and that my favorite rodents tend to be quite weasely."

"It's your own fault, isn't it, for banging the name Weasley onto everything you touch. Putting humor aside—"

"As I'm rather known to do..."

"If you can manage it. I've brought you on air for genuine insight into the most important event of our time."

"A colossal mistake, to say the least. You ought to have saved the best for last. Gone out with a bang. Now, this program has seen its glory days on day one and anyone listening will be wondering where that charming Weasley fellow has run off to when we're hearing Granger drone on about paramandatory Elfish protection doctrines and candidate negotiables for Goblin trade and things."

"Hey, leave it out, I've only got her on next after you, you great git. None of the big three wanted to take part in the first place and if they renege on the interview now I've got you to thank for it!"

"You've got me to thank for a lot, Lee. You'll likely have me to thank for getting you yanked off air after tonight. I hope our dear Minister enjoys scuffling with the Magical Broadcasting Decency Commission after all's said and heard."

"No more than you enjoy scuffling with the George Weasley Decency Commission, also known as Molly Weasley. Of that, I'm certain. No, George, onto the hard news."

"Hard news? Right! Nevermind I'm rightfully naffed off at you getting me out of the way early. I've got product to plug here. The Death Eater trials are underway; how's that for hard news? So just know that you're not going to get one scrap of gossip out of the fabled Golden Trio. Their tongues are on official Ministry lockdown for the duration of the proceedings, if it's anything to do with Death Eaters or Voldemort. Oops, am I allowed to say that on air? Ever so sorry..."

"Of course you are. We've always called things by their proper names on Potterwatch and Voldemort is no exception. Make no mistake, George. Ministry-funded or not, we're still the revolution. Besides, I'll practically be swimming in gossip soon enough. Ron'll sing, won't he? Wizengamot laws be damned?"

"_Ron? _Ickle Ronnie? Wand-whipped Ronnie? That's your ace in the hole? You've got a Fire Crab's chance in the Black Lake if you think you're getting so much as a shred of sensitive information from Ron. He answers to a higher, more severely enforced law than the Wizengamot. Besides, what does he care about the Wizarding world getting the facts straight? His biggest concern now is learning a spell to get ink stains off his cock!"

"Oi! I've told you I've got Granger on next, though probably not anymore, thanks!"

"To be fair, people probably wouldn't have known exactly what I meant had you not mentioned Granger right there..."

"The people who need to know already know. Quick question: what was the role of Slytherin house during the Battle of Hogwarts?"

"What the...? That's a Bludger from six o'clock, that is. Slytherin? McGonagall chucked 'em. Evacuated every one of them before the battle, but, to their credit, there was a surprisingly large group of Slytherins that came back to fight on the side of Hogwarts. Even shed their green-trimmed robes. The slimy pricks actually managed something noble."

"So, in your view, while the majority of Death Eaters hailed from Slytherin, the House itself was not altogether ignoble?"

"Of course it is, don't be stupid. I'm just giving the minority of good ones their due. Next question."

"Can you tell us all what it was like, being there, in the thick of it all?"

"The people who need to know already know."

"Why come on only to be difficult?"

"Er. For one, I've already got the name 'Weasley' breezing through more possible future patrons' ears tonight than could be possible without you, Radio Lee. Free advertising, and that's something you just can't buy."

"I suppose that's a good point. I'd like to stop right there, ladies and gentlemen, to give a word of thanks to our generous sponsor, Weasley Interest Ventures group..."

"Er, enough of this. Onto the hard news, Lee!"

"Thank you. Now, can you describe to us what it was like, the moment Voldemort fell? What happened?"

"I've got a theory. A'course, my brother Bill's got a theory too. Percy, as well. Hagrid's theorized about it, and so has his dog. Nobody's quite sure why it happened, but what I saw was Voldemort's curse bouncing off of Harry, and I'll tell you one other thing, I had that same curse bounce off me too. Knocked me square in the chest, and here I stand."

"Not the..."

"The Killing Curse, of course! The go-to incantation of every scumbag with a snake and skull stamped on their wrist. Did you know, throughout the whole battle, I'd only seen one on our side use that curse? Don't bother asking, of course I'm not going to grass them out."

"It was wartime. We... we dueled to kill. We did so on official orders from the Headmistress."

"I killed a man too, Lee. You killed that woman, remember? Of course you do. School kids turned killers, all because of Voldemort and his hatred and greed. I think there was some ancient magic at play that night. I heard the Death Eater say the spell, the same spell he used to kill my uncles Fabian and Gideon, and felt it brush off me. I saw it blow through my clothes like smoke. I know it was Harry Potter responsible for it."

"But how?"

"There's just something about Harry. He went out into that forest to face Voldemort. Not a single witch or wizard in their right mind believed that he was caught trying to run away — if they did, they've never met the specky git — and something changed after the Death Eaters brought his body back to Hogwarts. It's impossible to describe, and Bill says I'm full of it, but when he sprang back to life, I wasn't surprised. Boy Who Lived indeed. Anyway, our side couldn't be touched after that. Not by evil hands."

"Incredible. A magical protection afforded all of us by the martyr Harry Potter!"

"A professional grade martyr, he is. It's annoying at the best of times, but in the end I suppose I'm glad for it. Voldemort didn't stand a chance. His own curse rebounded, and he ended up killing himself, just like he did when he attacked Harry all those years ago and gave him that silly scar. Fucking prick."

"Watch it! Honestly, George, it's as though you want the — er, the right good and decent Decency chaps to reprimand you for that foul language!"

"Given all Voldemort's done, I consider it a massive understatement, don't you? You think folks at the ruddy Decent Chaps Commission don't have families affected by said prick?"

"Let's just get back to the hard news, before you've said more. If you don't mind, I'll ask, well, how was your family affected by He-Who-Must-Henceforth-Be-Named-Because-He's-Dead-Now?"

"I do quite mind, actually. Besides, there were hundreds dead that night, and I'm only one mere mortal handsome man. My family's loss is one of many."

"You've become quite a prominent figure in the Wizarding world, and you know it. You also can't have missed that there are two Weasleys in Weasley & Weasley, two gingers on the sign in front of your shop, two —"

"Well there's one now, fuckhead! Why ask if you know the answer? He was only your best friend. Must you bring that up?"

"Yes, I need to bring up that Fred Weasley was killed in the Battle of Hogwarts. Because, for those who stayed home and hid from the danger, the sacrifices others made need to be addressed. The people who don't already know need to know."

"Next question."

"I'm sorry, mate. The final question, then: what does the future hold for George Weasley?"

"I'm cooking something up. Don't you worry about that."

"And to what does this concoction pertain? Some have speculated, ludicrous though it may seem, that the inventiveness behind your Wizard Wheezes joke items could be put to Ministry use."

"Right-o. First thing's first: I'm making workable prototypes for all of Fred's joke shop concepts, no matter how silly. Well, the sillier the better, truth be told. That's top priority, profits be damned. A'course, Freddie would punch me in the groin for being so foolish were he still standing next to me these days. Wouldn't be surprised if the bugger decided to haunt me. After that, the Ministry's dying to get their hands on me."

"Can you divulge any details?"

"I couldn't possibly speak of it. The matter is, one might say, Unspeakable."


	2. Hermione

"Greetings, Wizarding world! You are dialed in, of course, to the Potterwatch Revival. I'm your host this evening, George Weasley, also known as Dagger, the One-Eared Wonder, and subject of Celestina Warbeck's latest hit single _Ears to You, Cutie Pie_. We aren't having an affair or anything! River is sitting this interview out. His exact words were "since you're dead-set at making Hermione fume out the nostrils, _you_ can be the one to interview her!" so, here I go.

"As you know, Potterwatch is your handy how's-all-going for any news of note to the Wizarding world. 'Hard news' is the term our usual host River uses to exhaustively frequent effect, even enough that all randy jokes have been worn out. However, tonight, in lieu of the Wizarding news, we've got another installment in a series of definitive interviews of those who fought on the frontlines of the Battle of Hogwarts. I'm joined tonight by one of the Big Golden Amazing Illustrious Terrific Stupendous Trio, Miss Hermione Granger!"

"I believe it's '_Here's to You, Cutie Pie_.'"

"The song is about me, that much is plainly obvious. I'm the resident Warbeck expert here. I've only heard that bloody album every night before dinner for sixteen years... anyway, I ought to address the Hippogriff in the room —"

"Oh? Are you sure? Do you really, really, _really_ want to talk about those _awful_ things you said?"

"How awful could they have been, being so clever and true?"

"If the next thing from you isn't an apology, you'll be researching a spell to remove ink stains from your cheek!"

"Ever the violent one, aren't you, Hermione? Well, I'm not sorry. If Ronnie's been carrying on with you under the delusion that I'm not going to take the mickey every chance I get, then he's more thick than I thought —"

"_Excuse me!_ I'll have you know, my consent to this interview comes with a few conditions!"

"One being that I'm not allowed to call my own brother thick? Come off it, Hermione! Besides, nobody brought you on here to talk about Ron. What goes on between you and Ron is entirely your problem and I've almost fetched up my lunch just thinking about it. Let's move on, shall we?"

"You're on _air_, George. You have a responsibility, you know? Not many people know about me and Ron, and what they _think_ they know about Harry is most certainly based on myths."

"That's why you're here. Let's jump right into it, then. When did you meet Harry Potter?"

"It was on the Hogwarts Express, just before our first year of school. I was helping a boy look for his toad, and peeked into Harry's compartment to ask if they'd seen anything."

"They?"

"Harry wasn't alone. There was another boy there, a red-headed boy with a dirty nose whom I didn't much care for."

"Me neither. Though, from what I recall, Harry and Ron didn't much care for you as well."

"Not at all, actually! They were perfectly horrible, in my view. _Perfectly. _That is, until they saved my life from a troll. Harry hopped right up on its back and jammed his wand in its nose, then Ron did a perfect swish-and-flick and whacked it about the head with its own club!"

"Blimey. Of course, everyone in Gryffindor heard this story from Ron no fewer than a hundred times, and by the last retelling the troll had become a giant and Ron had done it blindfolded."

"My heroes."

"You three got on well after that, didn't you? The trio united?"

"For the most part. We had a few squabbles. There was a cat, a rat, a broom, a Goblet of Fire, a girlfriend who wasn't me —"

"The prat!"

"Indeed. I went to the ball with someone else..."

"You cow!"

"I can scarcely fathom how I live with myself. My, it's all so silly in hindsight. To think, the fate of the world was in the hands of three _ridiculous_ children!"

"Godric help us. Now, I've rather a bone to pick with you."

"Is that so? Seems as though you've got a bone to pick with just about everyone as of late."

"I've got a list. Anyway, I've known you since your first year, just like Harry and Ron."

"Nobody knew me quite like Harry and Ron. They were my best friends."

"A'course I did! Bookish Hermione. Braincase Hermione. Frumpy..."

"Correct."

"Fussy..."

"Yes, let's not forget fussy."

"Stick-in-the-mud, would die rather than get expelled — yep, Ronnie told me about that gem, me and everyone else — second coming of Percy, future Minister of the Department of Boredom..."

"The dream!"

"Yes, well, that's exactly it, you've been downright _bubbly_ lately!"

"Well!"

"The biggest insult I could ever give you! _You_, the asexual human library —"

"Stop that!"

"Crossed a line, have I?"

"On a daily basis, yes. Because there is a line, one between good fun and alienating your friends, and you're getting _quite_ sloppy walking it! You've been a total wart, in fact. How's that for bubbly?"

"I have heard worse. So, now Voldy's gone moldy we can all forget our strict homework plans and mourning and just have a jolly good lark, then, right?"

"_George!_ There you go again!"

"Forgive me. I only expected a member of the Golden Trio to be just a wee bit sobered by all the deaths and hurt and crap that transpired."

"I've been put under the _Cruciatus_ and I've no idea where my _parents_ are, you complete _arse!_"

"Now this is good radio!"

"Ugh! You've got no sense of boundaries, do you?"

"I suspect it's the reason we've always clashed, you and I. So, what happened to your parents, Hermione?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Are they — but they can't be, well — I'd know if..."

"It's being sorted."

"See, I know the boundaries after all! It's being sorted. Good. Now, the other thing. I have it on good authority that the Unforgivable Curse in question is a bit of a pisser!"

"It rather smarts, yes, doesn't it? And don't you forget that it was being used on eleven-year-olds!"

"I won't, and now no one will. So, Hermione, do you consider yourself a role model for Muggleborns everywhere?"

"I don't consider myself any such thing, thank you very much. Most Muggleborns don't know a thing about me."

"Other than without you, Harry Potter never would have killed the biggest Muggle-hating piece of —"

"_If_ I had to prop up a role model for Muggleborns, by that criterion, I'd remind you that it was Lily Potter who sacrificed her own life to save her son, and it was all very wonderful and sad. I can't compare to that!"

"For what it's worth, I still think you're quite frumpy, but I say you do compare to that, Hermione."

"_Oh, George_, thank you! That's sweet, observations of frumpiness notwithstanding. I suppose I should be grateful. That's as good a compliment as I'll get from you, I'm sure."

"You've changed since the frumpy days, though, haven't you? Harry and Ron have rubbed off on you."

"Yes, and I do hope for their sake I've rubbed off on them. Although, he — _Ickle Ronnie_, you could say — does shine through even today. Ron's come a long way with regards to electricity and tubes and plugs and such, but he has his moments. The other day I made a point to him about Occam's Razor, and he asked, "is that Goblin-made?" It was all I could do not to snort out my pumpkin juice!"

"Yes, side-splitting humor there, just so long as you're someone who hangs on my baby brother's every word."

"I do _not!_"

"Quick question: you and Harry, yeah? Everyone and their House Elf wants to know..."

"_No_, for the millionth time. Not ever."

"Then why does everyone think it?"

"Because we hang around together all the time and I love him —"

"Aha!"

"He's like this really wonderful _brother_ I always wanted in my life, who constantly needs looking after, but one I'm very proud of. Nothing romantic. One step over that line and I'd be the one fetching up my lunch — not that he isn't lovely-looking, of course he is, but it would all be quite weird and really rather horrible."

"Then why's the other one different? You know, the not-so-wonderful brother I never wanted in my life but had to put up with anyway —"

"If I hear so much as _one_ more thing against him, or the phrase 'specky git' referring to Harry, I'll be leaving this booth without another word! You're just being a nightmare for the sake of it, just like you always have to Ron, and I won't stand for it. This is how you treat your brother, who's currently moonlighting at _your_ shop, despite undergoing full-time Auror training? You're impossible!"

"Rubbish. I know Ronnie. He may have been along for the ride, but it was you and Harry pulling the weight in the end."

"Ron's done more than you'll ever know. Ugh! _More_ than you'll _ever_ know!"

"Now now, keep your hair on."

"And when your own sister was taken down into the Chamber of Secrets? That must have been a long, excruciating afternoon for your family, hm? But while you were being told the bad news, Ron had already figured out where the Chamber was, how to open it, and taken the plunge to face down a _Basilisk_ — just like he faced down an Acromantula, and a real giant, and a troll —"

"An Acromantula, Hermione? Come off it! He can barely face down the tiny spiders in Potions class, and they're already dead!"

"He faced down a whole colony because Muggleborns were being Petrified, all while you were playing practical jokes. I've sat by while my friends are belittled and slandered over the years... well I think it's long overdue that _someone_ tell the truth."

"Out with it, then. Harry Potter, in a few words?"

"That's not enough — oh, _fine_ — he's courageous, strong — he's so _strong_, fighting it all, and — hot-headed and impatient and brilliant and specky and a git and _amazing_ all at once —"

"So, what about Ron?"

"Oh, that's not _nearly_ enough, not for him — he's brave, loyal, clever — _really_ clever, which means he's _really_ good at picking the most perfectly awful things to say when he wants to, but normally he doesn't. He's crass and caring and honest and mean to my cat and obscene and _hilarious_ —"

"Yes, yes, I've begun to notice the focal point of the aforementioned bubbliness."

"I've not been bubbly! It's just... oh, he won't like that I've said this, he'll hate me, but if Harry's the big hero then Ron's always fighting by his side, Harry's knight in hand-me-down armor!"

"Oh, that's cringe-worthy, that is! Dear me!"

"I _know_, but I couldn't stop myself. It's to do with the bubbles."

"That's your school years documented, I suppose. Let's skip ahead, then, to your decision not to return to Hogwarts for your seventh year."

"Harry, Ron, and I set out on a mission to destroy Voldemort's last lines of defense. That's all I can say. It all came to a head at Hogwarts."

"I assume, of course, that you concur with my theory of Harry Potter's magical protection of us all?"

"I'm not sure, truth be told. The manner of protection Harry had from his mother — _oh,_ his mother! She died for him when he was only a baby, did Lily Potter. We've always known that. But when Harry went out in the forest, he died for _us_. Every last one of us. He's so brave — just wonderful, really!"

"I'm glad we can agree on something. When evil needs a place to put the knife, there's Harry Potter jumping in the way, brandishing a sheath."

"Well said."

"The Boy Who Lived. Of course, he'd be nowhere without the Boy Who Ate and the Girl Who Nagged!"

"What? Oh, that's nice! What about you, then? The Idiot Boy Who Belittled His Brother Constantly Even Though —"

"Nah. Too wordy."

"You know how he looks up to you, don't you? Yet you go on-air and say this absolute bile —"

"What better way to spread the truth about Ron —"

"The truth!"

"Yes, what better way than to have Hermione Granger come up with twelve foot of parchment's worth of starry-eyed assessments of Ron's character?"

"Oh..."

"Silly girl. Everything I've said has been with love. Mean-spirited love. I'm quite proud of my prat little brother. Oh Merlin, Mum's been _unbearable_ about him lately."

"Jealous."

"Moving on, I've got a little game prepared for you. Don't worry, it's perfect for you because it's a game you can't lose!"

"Phew! I'd only _crushed_ you at chess the last time we played, but I was quite worried. Carry on."

"Yes, well, the game is called Magic or Muggle. I'll name something, and you, the Muggleborn, will tell me if you prefer the magical method or the primitive — er — the manual way. Only joking, Hermione, put that down!"

"Oh, I know you were joking, but it was in such poor taste that, for a moment, I wasn't above hurling an inkpot right at your stupid grin."

"Don't be silly. I was raised in a Muggle-loving household, yet I don't know a thing about them. So, here we go... how do you do the washing up?"

"Magical, mostly, though it usually requires a mixture of both."

"Fingernails?"

"Muggle! What else am I meant to do?"

"Washing your teeth?"

"Muggle, or my parents skin me alive. Those are the options available to me."

"Hair care? Oh, er, we'll skip that one, I guess..."

"Oi!"

"Cooking?"

"You might want to skip _that_ one, actually."

"Contraception?"

"Excuse me?"

"How do you stop Ron's salmon from swimming upstream, then?"

"_Honestly!_"

"The Wizarding world must know! I mean, who knows if we're missing out on something the Muggles worked out? Maybe we should all give up the Potion and start using, I don't know, electricity or something."

"Magical. That's the last question I'll answer, before you do any worse!"

"Bloody hell, it's a game no one can lose and still she forfeits.. Can't be helped, I suppose. So..."

"No, I meant it, George. That's the last I'll answer."

"I've got one more. An innocent one!"

"If it's horrible, I'll retain the right to silence, thank you."

"What does the future hold for Miss Hermione Granger?"

"Oh! Well, I don't know, really. I've got so many abstract ideas but most of the people in my life seem to think I need to work out a grounded approach to them all. Fancy that, me going overboard! Well, first is my application to the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. I say application, but it was offered to me. I've turned down the Aurors. I'm not a fighter like Harry and Ron. I don't quite fancy bleeding as much as Harry or taking lives like Ron... but, I'll support the Auror Office as best I can from my department. I can promise that."

"Thank you, Hermione. Love you."

"You do _not_ deserve to hear it back, but — love you too. Your whole family, in fact."


End file.
